I was recently told that some acquaintances refrained from getting to know me better because they found me intimidating and scary – they never knew what I was thinking.
Admittedly, I agree that it can be hard to tell what I’m thinking about at any given point in time since thoughts are constantly churning in my head. So it’s not a wrong observation to make of me.
I think what was not verbalised, was perhaps that there’s an edge to me that people find difficult to penetrate or understand. And I suspect that edge comes from the secrets I keep. Things about myself that I keep guarded because that’s what goddamn secrets are. It’s not that I enjoy secrets. But I sometimes enjoy doing things that are hard to share with others or talk about without being judged. It’s a bit of pervasion in my personality, a dark part of me that is unfortunately still me.
This is not to say others don’t keep deep, dark secrets. But maybe they aren’t as preoccupied about them as I am? I don’t know.